What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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