My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
