when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
