New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it glows. i had to have it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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