high people should be assigned attendants
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
