She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
