I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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