Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
