I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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