Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
