please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh god it's open bar.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
