why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
