how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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