Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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