I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
