How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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