I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
