if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
