i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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