I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
