Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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