just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the day after is always just damage control
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had sex on a roof
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
