No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
