I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
