goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
