I will die if light touches me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
