Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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