so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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