After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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