I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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