If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
