I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
