you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
