how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
