i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
