franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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