I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
