I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
