so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
