phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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