I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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