Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
