went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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