giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I had to cum in my sink.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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