My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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