I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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