Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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