I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
