nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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