Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
