i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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