Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The power of my boobs compel you
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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