im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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