I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize