sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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