Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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