bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
