Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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