I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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