So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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