Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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