Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
