So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
found the other keg... it's in the tree
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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