so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
