So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
