I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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