I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
